Where There's Love There's Hope
by Cats070911
Summary: It is the morning of New Years Eve and Barbara is alone in her flat eating ice-cream and feeling miserable.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** all disclaimers apply.

* * *

Christmas had been miserable. In a world filled with happy people celebrating with family and friends, Barbara Havers had sat at home, alone. She had avoided the seasonal fanfare. There was no tree, no wreath on her door, no presents, no candlelit dining table festooned with holly and certainly no fancy dinner with turkey and pudding. She had eschewed the television with its sentimental merriment, chortling carols and jolly programmes filled with laughing children and tail-wagging dogs.

Since finishing work a few days before she had been hibernating in her flat. She had only gone out for an hour on Christmas Eve to pick up milk and ice cream. It had been a quick dash to the supermarket trying to avoid rotund Santas and shop assistants dressed as elves. Her only concession had been to throw five pounds in the bucket of the Salvation Army band who were sitting in a circle outside the store playing recognisable but tortured carols on their shiny brass instruments. When she returned there had been a box of chocolates left propped up against her door. She knew instantly who they were from and she debated throwing them away. But they were chocolates after all, and good ones. She had a pang of regret that she had missed him but it mainly brought back the pain of their argument.

She had avoided as much of the actual day as possible. She had slept until noon then stayed under her bedclothes hiding from the world until late afternoon. She had unplugged her landline and allowed her mobile to run flat. Her only concession to the day was the toasted ham sandwich she had eaten for dinner followed by a whole jar of chocolate coated sultanas and nuts.

Normally she would have read and lost herself in a fantasy world created by someone far more imaginative. This year though she could barely see. She was not at all happy with her new glasses. There was a thin band at the top for long distance that functioned fairly well if she lowered her head. Another band in the centre gave her middle distance but finding the sweet spot was like trying to win the lottery. As for reading she was frustrated that she could only see a small ring of print no matter where she tilted her book. She had to move her head back and forth like a demented typewriter to read anything. She cursed the optometrist for talking her into them with his promise that it was easier to adjust to them while her prescription was moderate than it would be to continue as she had been with just the reading glasses that he had confiscated. "Liar!"

She would have put them in the corner but the simple truth was she needed them to see clearly. Her eyes were failing rapidly. It is 'part of the aging process' everyone told her but that was no comfort. Even Tommy had told her she was getting past it. She knew he was teasing her but his words had stung. She had needed his understanding and sympathy but her best friend had let her down.

In reality the glasses were only a symptom of the depression that had crept up on Barbara over recent months. There was no specific trigger but simply an insidious change in her attitude. At first she had been frustrated and angry with the world; annoyed that the best part of her life was behind her and the future held slim prospects. Her life was draining away to pointlessness. She wanted to achieve something or do something that was worthwhile but most of all she wanted to have a relationship that fulfilled her. Her major obstacle was that the man she loved was never going to see her as anything more than his friend and yet he had spoiled her for any other man. Her career was going nowhere, not because she was not capable of more but because she could never willingly leave Tommy. She was effectively trapped in a world of much-treasured friendship and unrequited love.

Then things had begun to change. Activities she once enjoyed like her favourite television crime show or a series of books she read avidly now had no attraction, no meaning. She found food a necessary chore but her appetite dropped away. She even began to hate seeing Tommy every day because that thrill of first seeing him each day had gone. She wondered if she still loved him; if she had ever really loved him. The more she doubted herself the more she withdrew. First she felt sad but then it petered into a far worse state - she felt nothing. And with the blackness came the need to retreat; to curl up deep inside her mind where a faint glow of feeling still resided; a place where Tommy loved her and protected her from herself.

Now she had to face the most sentimental night of the year. Drunken people would dance and sing and cheer off the old year, good or bad, and countdown the new one with gusto. Everyone was looking forward with excitement to good times ahead while Barbara felt anything but optimistic. Her future had never seemed bleaker. She had all the material things she needed to survive and by many standards was doing well. She knew others had a far harder life but logic could not change her emotions and feeling of hopelessness.

She remembered her grandmother who had spent the last six months of her life tidying up her affairs and preparing to die. It was as if she had known and accepted it as fact but her grandmother could not possibly have known she would be killed by a random accident. Or could she? As Barbara lay huddled under her bedcovers she wondered if perhaps her life was ending soon. Perhaps it was all over. In a way she would not mind. She was tired and feeling old yet there was still a fine thread that kept her tethered to life - Tommy. Of course she still loved him, always would no matter how he behaved or what he did. As she flicked through the TV guide she knew she had already forgiven him. Their argument had been her fault. He had just been the person she lashed out at in frustration.

He was probably in Cornwall, riding his horse or walking the cliffs and not giving her a second thought. She wished she had accepted his invitation. At least she would have had more to think about than herself. She walked to the fridge and selected a tub of Black Forest ice-cream. It was nearly nine o'clock in the morning and the BBC news service would broadcast the fireworks from Auckland soon. Barbara liked fireworks. She settled under a blanket on the couch, opened her tub of sugary delight and settled in to follow the new year around the world.

* * *

Tommy Lynley, Eighth Earl of Asherton, was not used to sitting in airport gate lounges with the hoi polloi. It was not that he considered himself superior but he could afford to be a member of the airline lounges and preferred to use them. He travelled a minimum of business class when he needed to fly, justifying it based on comfort and his ability to pay.

Travelling to New Quay from City Airport though had few luxuries attached. He had avoided making a decision about going home for New Year until the very last minute. He had stayed in London for Christmas in some vague and vain hope that Barbara might start talking to him again and they could share lunch together. She had returned none of his messages and had not answered her door when he went over to her flat on Christmas Eve. He had no reason to suspect this would change today so had woken early and booked the flight.

He and Barbara had bickered and argued almost constantly over the years but the one on their last day of work had been bitter and personal. He had known she was sensitive about her glasses. Normally his teasing made her laugh but she had taken his comments about being 'a middle aged woman now' to heart. She had visibly brooded in the car and when he had tried to apologise she had said she had wasted her life running around trying to keep him out of harm's way. Tommy knew that his angry retort 'no one asked you to, least of all me' was the worst thing he could have said. She had gone silent and nothing else he said that day brought anything more than a professional response when it was required. When he had gathered his things and went to her desk to take her for a drink to apologise properly she had already left.

Even at the time he felt the axis of the world had shifted. He had phoned and sent texts but she had not replied. He had taken chocolates over on Christmas Eve hoping to bribe his way back into her heart but she had not answered her door. It distressed him to think she was upset and it pained him to know he had contributed to, or maybe even caused, her hurt.

The hard, grey, plastic chair dug into his ribs as he shifted to get comfortable. A family were sitting at his feet with a Monopoly board spread out between them. They were laughing and joking and the boy kept leaning back against Tommy's leg. Beyond them a man was tapping on his thigh to the beat of music in his headphones and startling everyone with a random 'oh yeah'. The young woman beside him was using the camera on her phone as a mirror while she brushed her hair. He was pleased when the phone disappeared until the woman reached over to gather her mane into a ponytail and whacked him on the chin. With a muffled half apology she swung her hair up and out then back, straight across his face like a horses tail swatting it's rump. The apple-scented hair tickled as it dragged across his mouth. Tommy moved seats.

Now he was being stared at by a man in a fawn sweater two seats down the row. Tommy looked away but the man moved closer into the seat adjacent to him. The eyes never left him. "Do I know you?" Lynley asked politely.

"No. Would you like to?" The man licked his lips and smiled showing his missing teeth.

Tommy smiled to be polite then stood and went to the gents. He rinsed his face in cold water and stared at his image in the mirror. He looked as miserable as he felt and it had only one cause - he missed Barbara. She was what made his life worth living. Without her to nag him and berate him he was lost because underneath that was her support and dare he even think it, love. He had come to understand this week that he loved her too; not in the platonic way that he once had but totally. Now he fretted that it was too late and that she may never forgive him. "And running to Howenstowe is not going to fix it," he said to the mirror.

Tommy pushed his way to the airline counter and cancelled his flight. He had no bags to collect so with his carry on in his hand he went to the taxi rank and gave the driver Barbara's address.


	2. Chapter 2

Tommy straightened his jacket and ran his fingers loosely through his hair before he took a deep breath and knocked on Barbara's door. It was highly unlikely that she would open the door and fall into his arms and probable that she would slam it in his face but he hoped for a middle ground where she would invite him in to talk. He could vaguely hear a television coming from inside. At least she was home.

"Whatever you're selling I don't need any," she shouted angrily from behind the door.

"I'm giving away friendship if you'll have it," he called back hoping it was sufficient for her to want to talk to him.

The door opened about four inches, just enough for her bleary face to poke through. "Sir?"

"Happy New Year Barbara. Are you going to invite me in?" Fear gripped him when he first saw her. She looked dishevelled and ill. Tommy tried his best smile. He was going through that door whether she liked it or not but it would be easier if she wanted him inside.

Barbara slowly opened the door and stepped away to let him in. He followed her and noticed her usual untidiness had morphed into a genuine mess. Dirty dishes were piled high in her sink and her bin overflowed with empty ice-cream cartons and chocolate boxes. Barbara was still in blue pyjamas, covered by a dusty pink dressing gown that had seen better days. The television was counting down to the New Zealand New Year and spoon sat deep in an open ice-cream tub. "Sorry 'bout the mess," she said flatly but made none of her usual hurried attempts to clean up. She sat on her couch, pulled an old blanket around her and resumed eating her ice-cream.

Tommy recognised the signs. His flat had looked the same after Helen died except empty bottles of alcohol had been substitutes for her ice-cream. Barbara looked terrible. She had dark circles on the swollen bags under her eyes and she looked somehow smaller as if she had withered. He was momentarily alarmed that she was seriously ill but the way she stared at the screen told him this was not a physical malaise. He wanted to pick her up and hold her and make everything better. First he needed to understand what was wrong.

Tommy slipped off his jacket and hung it in the back of her dining chair then sat carefully on the edge of her couch. He was mindful not to invade her personal space as they watched the fireworks light up Auckland Harbour with showers of red, green and blue. Coloured lights and cascades of shimmering gold highlighted the bridge and Skytower. Tommy pretended to watch but he was studying Barbara. Her eyes never left the screen but they looked hollow and maudlin. "Very spectacular," he declared as the show concluded with a volley of colour ricocheting around the harbour.

"Sydney's always much better. They'll be on in two hours," she replied mechanically as she muted the television. Barbara usually enjoyed fireworks. These had been pretty but had not inspired her at all. She wished she understood what was wrong with her.

The neutrality of her tone worried him. "May I stay and watch them with you?"

"If you like. Why aren't you still in Cornwall?

"I never went."

She looked up at him and frowned. "Why not? You nagged me about going for three weeks."

"I...I didn't want to go without you."

"You're mad."

"I hoped you'd change your mind. I hoped you'd forgive me. I'm sorry Barbara. I truly am sorry."

"Don't be. It wasn't you. I was being over-sensitive." There was no fight in her, no feeling whatsoever.

Tommy moved closer. "Barbara."

"What?"

"Will you tell me what's wrong? I might be able to help and I can listen."

"No."

"Why not? I thought we were friends. You can share anything with me Barbara, anything at all."

"No, I can't." She looked utterly forlorn.

"You can. You can trust me."

"I can't because I don't know what's wrong with me!" she shouted at him. She looked as if she might shatter into thousands of shards he could never mend. She looked up at him. Her usual bright eyes were a murky, pond green. Very quietly she said, "I just ...feel ... beaten."

Lynley understood that word very well. When Helen had died he assumed it was part of the grieving process but it was not the first time he had felt it. After the anger of his mother's betrayal had past and his father had died that was the exact word he had used before his drunken half-hearted attempt to end his pain. Then when they had lost the baby and Helen had left him he used to wake in the small hours of the morning and feel utterly defeated, as if he had been fighting with all his strength and had been crushed by a force he could not even see. His sergeant's quiet presence had been his hope and salvation. She had been there, not saying much unless asked but always keeping him from tipping over that edge. He would never forget how he had felt when she turned up on the hill after the funeral. It was as if she felt his torment as he did but was there to protect him from it. Even when he had been drinking himself to a slow and painful death she had been in his head, telling him when to stop. She had used her strength to keep them both afloat and now he had to return the favour.

"If you've run out of strength Barbara, use mine."

She looked into his big, chestnut eyes and for the first time in a week felt hope. She put her ice-cream on the coffee table already over-crowded with empty packets of biscuits and other detritus of her misery. Tommy moved closer and put his arm around her shoulder. It was beyond comfort. Barbara closed her eyes, pulled the blanket tightly around her body and nestled into him. His other arm wrapped around her and he lay his cheek gently against her hair cocooning her from the world. Retreating into him felt safe and non-threatening. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes. He smelt familiar. His arms were strong yet gentle. For the first time in weeks she did not feel overwhelmed by her isolation.

It took effort for Tommy not to tell Barbara he loved her and would keep her safe. Now was not the time to confess to something he should have told her months, maybe even years, ago. So he held her securely as he eased them back against the couch and hoped she understood.

It was nearly an hour before Barbara stirred. Tommy knew she had not fallen asleep by her breathing and occasional wracking sob. "Sorry," she said as she pushed away, "I don't know what happened."

"Sometimes you just don't want to be strong anymore. There's nothing wrong with that Barbara. Whether we admit it or not we all need someone to hold and comfort us at times because we're human. You taught me that it's okay to be human Barbara. I don't have to try to be superhuman and neither do you. We have each other and we always will."

Tommy's eyes were so sincere that Barbara struggled not to cry. He had come here and crawled right into her innermost retreat with her. She smiled remembering how she used to squeeze into her brother's teepee in the lounge room as a last stand against the imaginary cancer soldiers. Her family had always been the one's who went down fighting but were ultimately defeated. She wondered how she could ever have doubted that she loved Tommy. She wished she could tell him how she felt but she was too proud, and too scared of his rejection. She could not trust words so she simply nodded and leant her head against his chest and took solace in his arms as they wrapped around her again.

Half an hour later Tommy spoke softly. "The Sydney fireworks are starting soon if you want to watch them."

The way his voice reverberated in his chest was soothing. Barbara wanted to stay where she was for ever. "Okay," she said weakly and reluctantly sat up. Not having contact with him plunged her instantly back into the darkness. As if he understood he put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. She melted back into his side and smiled when he gently kissed her head.

The Sydney show was its usual magnificent display. With the long harbour, iconic opera house and the large canvas of the bridge it was hard not to be as impressed as the million people that crowded around the harbour foreshore. Starbursts of every size and colour ran around the city. Barbara liked the way the fireworks echoed down the harbour as the same sequence of pyrotechnics was let off simultaneously from seven or eight different barges. The helicopter shots captured the scene beautifully as expanding orbs of silver, gold and red filled the sky then fell and faded. Trails of white light exploded from the tops of buildings and the four pylons of the bridge then at the top of their trajectory blossomed into a kaleidoscope of dramatic patterns of crimson and emerald. The sails of the opera house were lit by a light show that dazzled the eyes. Thousands of small boats, silhouetted by the pulses of light jiggled in the harbour. The music was upbeat for the year ahead but had just the right tinge of nostalgia for the year past. As always Barbara's favourite was the curtain of colour that tumbled over the edge of the bridge like a waterfall of rainbows. For the first time in weeks she smiled.

Tommy had watched the show but had felt the reaction of the woman in his arms. He did not want to take advantage of her vulnerability but he wanted her to know he cared about her as more than a partner or friend. "Well it's a new year over there," he said cautiously.

She looked at him questioningly. "Yeah?"

"So happy New Year." He bent down and gave her a gentle kiss.

Barbara's heart raced and a sliver of happiness snuck through the cracks of her ennui. She knew he meant nothing by it. The kiss was warm and affectionate but even though unexpected, it was not improper. He had never kissed her before but it was common between friends for new year celebrations. She should not hold out hope it had meaning but having snuggled in his arms and felt his soft lips on hers it would give her pleasant memories.

Tommy debated kissing her again with passion but he would never take advantage. It was still eleven hours until it was midnight here and he smiled as he formulated a little plan. "Would you like me to make you some coffee or tea?"

Barbara looked around and saw the shambles of her flat. "Yeah, ta," she replied and began to gather up the empty boxes. She looked down at herself. "I might have a quick shower. Will you stay?"

"Of course," he replied with a heart-warming smile. "There's nowhere I'd rather be."


	3. Chapter 3

Tommy tidied a bit more while he waited for the kettle to boil. He did not want to do too much in case she felt he was pointing out her slovenly ways. His flat had looked like this once. He knew what it was like to have no interest or energy. His concern about Barbara had eased a little but she was far from herself. He hoped that over the day she might open up and tell him what was troubling her.

"Thanks," she said as she returned wearing jeans and an oversized shirt. She accepted the steaming cup of tea and sipped at it gratefully.

"My pleasure," he replied. He looked at her sternly. "Why aren't you wearing your glasses?"

"I hate them. They make me feel old."

"They bring out the wonderful colour in your eyes," he said trying to sound casual, "they suit you."

"I can't really see with them," she replied petulantly.

"And you won't if you don't wear them. Your brain will adjust. Now put them on please."

Muttering under her breath she found them on the bench and plonked them on her nose as she thumped onto the stool. "Better?"

"Much! You look quite foxy in them" He gave her a broad cheeky grin and a quick kiss on the head as he passed her. He cleared a space on the bench so they could sit and drink their tea.

Barbara was shocked. Did Tommy just say she was foxy and kiss her on the head? It was unexpected but rather pleasant. She felt her face blush before she looked around at the chaos of her flat. "Sorry you had to see me like this," she said forlornly.

Tommy took her hand. "I don't care. I'm just glad you're talking to me. This last week without you...well it has been hell."

She could not look at him but gripped his hand, almost painfully. "For me too."

"Then don't shut me out Barbara. You've clearly been feeling out of sorts for longer than this week. You should have told me. I want to help. I can help."

"How?" There was no anger or accusation in her tone just bewilderment as if no one could help her.

"I don't know until you tell me what's been troubling you."

"That's just it Sir. I don't know. I just feel as if time is short and I'm trapped but I can't do anything about it because I'm too...tired. I feel I should be doing more with my life; leaving some sort of legacy."

"You have a very meaningful legacy Barbara. We've found justice for a lot of innocent victims and their families. What we do, what _you_ do, is important and it's not a job everyone can do. You're an excellent detective Barbara."

"Thanks. I know that's important but is that all I am? A detective? I realised yesterday that when I die there will be no one to even hold a funeral. Only you and maybe Winston and Stuart would even notice and then in a few years when we all move on, which is inevitable, there'll be no one to notice. I'm not like you. I don't have family."

Tommy was distressed by her words. "You have me," he said firmly, "I will always be your family Barbara."

"Thanks but be realistic Sir. You'll remarry eventually and I'll fade away."

"No! You'll never fade away Barbara. I would never let that happen." Tommy grinned to himself. "When I remarry you'll be the first person I invite, I promise you."

She smiled and shrugged. He was being galant and thoroughly Tommy and he would never notice that promises of everlasting friendship only made her feel more trapped and hopeless. "We'll see. I don't suppose your concern stretches to helping me clean up a bit?"

They spent the next hour picking up empty chocolate boxes, washing dishes and folding her laundry that was still on the floor. Tommy scrubbed the sink while Barbara sat down again. Even a small amount of effort had exhausted her. "Have you been sleeping much?" he asked with concern.

"Yeah but it never seems enough. I sleep on and off but it's not restful. I have nightmares that I can't even remember then wake up exhausted."

"And food? Have you eaten anything other than ice cream or chocolate?" He had seen no evidence of real food.

"I had a ham sandwich for Christmas." She could feel his disapproving look.

Tommy did a quick scan of her cupboards and refrigerator. There was nothing to make them a decent lunch. "It might do you good to get out of the house for while. Why don't we go and get some lunch?"

"Tokyo will be on soon and then Beijing an hour later." Barbara did not feel like leaving her flat. She was only mildly hungry. "You go though, you don't have stay with me."

Tommy sat on the couch and put his arm around her. "I want to stay. Let's watch Tokyo then I'll go and get some food and be back to watch the rest with you."

Barbara nodded, leant into him and sighed. "You're a good friend Sir."

"Tommy."

"No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Please. How can you say I'm your friend when you keep that wall between us?"

"It wouldn't feel right."

"Try it. Just once. Tom-me. It's really easy."

She started to laugh. It was the first genuinely happy sound she had made since he had been there. "Shh," she said, "they're starting."

They watched the Japanese display. It lacked the scale and laid back enthusiasm of Sydney but was impressive in its colour and precision. "Happy New Year," he said and when she looked up at him he kissed her. This time it was a little harder and a little longer. Tommy's heart somersaulted when she kissed him back. It was subtle and brief but she had definitely kissed him.

"Happy New Year...Tommy"

Tommy quickly kissed her again. "See it's not that hard."

Before the moment could get awkward or he kissed her too ardently, Tommy closed his eyes and stood. He paused for a minute to get back his equilibrium. It was a huge barrier she had pushed down and it was hard for him not to sweep her into his arms and start to make love to her. He knew he needed to move slowly. She was not herself and needed to understand his love was more than sexual passion. "What would you like for lunch?"

Barbara doubted that 'you' was the answer he was seeking. "Anything."

"Right. I won't be long."

Barbara pointed to her bag. "Take my key."

She watched him leave. For a few minutes she felt bereft but knowing he was coming back made her smile. He could be irritating, arrogant, argumentative and foolhardy but it was hard not to love him when he was being sweet and caring. She pulled off her glasses and rubbed her nose.

Tommy returned within twenty minutes with some basics like bread, milk, eggs and bacon but Barbara could also smell hot chips. "Fish and chips, beer," he announced, "and some breakfast."

"Breakfast?"

Tommy did not answer and quickly stowed the goods in her fridge then unwrapped the hot food, cracked two beers and sat on the couch. He picked up her glasses and pushed them down onto her nose. "I''ll superglue them on if you keep taking them off," he warned with a smile.

Barbara rolled her eyes. "You wouldn't dare."

Tommy grinned at her. "Try me. Now are you joining me?"

Tommy held a chip up to her mouth. She could not help but grin wryly as she chomped on it. He fed her another one. He was being very considerate and was making her feel valued and wanted. She nibbled on a few chips then tried some fish. Her appetite had been poor but the greasy food was good. She was soon gobbling two chips to every one Tommy ate. She took a sip of the beer. This seemed easy and comfortingly familiar. For the first time in weeks Barbara felt normal.

Tommy had been unsure about giving alcohol to someone who was clearly depressed but he had reasoned that treating her as he always did would mean more to her than mollycoddling her. When he had been sick she had acted as if nothing was different and it had helped him to adjust at his own pace. The way she ate and responded was encouraging. A few smiles and a bit more colour in her face indicated he was doing the right things. He glanced at the television. "New Delhi fireworks soon."

He cleared away the refuse and grabbed another beer each. Now she seemed a little better he was unsure whether she would snuggle next to him but was pleased when she did. She looked up at him as if to see if he minded. He smiled then gave her forehead a quick kiss and pulled her closer to him. As they watched she bopped along to the Bollywood style soundtrack beside him. It made him happy to see elements of the old Barbara emerging. When the fireworks finished her face was already turned to him. He did not bother with the new year's wish, he just kissed her and she kissed him back. This time their lips lingered and tentatively moved against each other.

Tommy stopped kissing her. He did not want her responding to him because she was sad or because having him near made her feel less alone. They turned back to the television and listened to the news but neither made any attempt to move away. The announcer informed them that the next fireworks would be broadcast in three and a half hours from Moscow. Barbara was trying hard not to yawn. "Are you tired?"

"Yes," she confessed.

"You should take a nap." Tommy stood and pulled her to her feet.

Barbara knew her good fortune would run out at some stage. "When will I see you again?" she asked quietly.

Tommy saw the fear in her eyes. She thought he was leaving. "When you wake up. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be out here."

Barbara lowered her head. "Will you stay with me? Just until I fall asleep."

Tommy took her hand and let her to her bedroom. He sat on her bed as she lay down. He stroked her forehead gently and removed her glasses. He did not want to leave her. He swung his legs up on the bed and cradled her in his arms. Her arm came over his waist as she hugged him back. "I'm here Barbara. I'll always be here."

She snuggled into his chest and let his arms envelop her in peaceful warmth. For today she was ignoring her fears and just enjoying the moment, and this was a very good moment. She tried to stay awake and luxuriate in his friendship but her eyes were heavy and she drifted off to sleep.

Tommy held her close and kissed her head. "Sleep peacefully Barbara. If only I could find a way to tell you how much you mean to me." Barbara grunted. Her arm gripped him tighter. Tommy smiled. "I love you."


	4. Chapter 4

When Barbara woke she was still safe in Tommy's arms. She had hoped to feel more like her old self but she still had a lingering disinterest in life despite the comfort of Tommy's presence. She should feel excited to have him so close, for him to have kissed her but she could not shake the feeling of disappointment and hopelessness.

He smiled at her. "Sleep well?"

"Hmm, yeah. Did you sleep too?" she asked him.

"No, I was watching you. I like watching you sleep. You look so peaceful and innocent."

"Innocent? Oh." Barbara was not sure how to respond to that. From anyone else it might have sounded creepy. Instead it was affectionate and supportive. She liked having his protection and not having to fight the world alone. She tried hard to give him a big smile.

He looked at his watch. "We still have time for a late dinner. I was thinking Indian."

She struggled to sit up. She picked up her glasses from her bedside table and placed them dutifully on her face earning a grin and a quick kiss from Tommy. "The number of the local shop's on the fridge."

"I thought we might go out. I have somewhere in mind."

Barbara was not sure about his idea. "Somewhere quiet? I...I don't think I'm up to crowds."

"Very quiet, I promise."

"Do I have to dress up?"

"No, but you'll need your coat."

Barbara looked at her clock. It was nearly eight in the evening. "As long we are back to watch the London fireworks."

"You won't miss them I promise."

Tommy chatted in the cab to distract her. It was only when the classic black vehicle was stopped at the underground checkpoint that Barbara noticed they were in the heart of the city. "Where are we?"

"Nearly there." He showed his wallet to the security guard and the thick yellow and black steel barrier was raised to let the cab past. It drove down into a carpark and stopped near a lift well. Tommy paid the driver and with a huge grin coerced his reluctant partner from the cab. "You'll like it, I promise."

The lift was quite small and shaky. The heavy metal doors and cracked linoleum floor made Barbara wonder what sort of cheap restaurant he was taking her to dine. It took them up slowly so it was hard for Barbara to judge how high they were going. The lift opened into a long corridor. The walls were highly decorative stone, with arches and delicate carvings that reminded her of a church. Layers of greasy dust covered the small panes of the lead-light windows and the red carpet was faded and worn. "Are we in a church?"

"No, a palace."

"A palace! What the hell Tommy? You brought me to a palace? I suppose the Queen is in too!"

Tommy smirked at her. He actually enjoyed seeing some of her old fire. "No, but the PM is probably around."

"What?"

"It's the Palace of Westminster. We're having dinner in a place I sometimes go to think. I _am_ entitled to sit in the House of Lords you know."

"No!"

"Yes. I rarely do but I have been doing it a bit more lately. It was hardly something I'd tell you."

"Why not?" she asked indignantly.

"Because you wouldn't have approved of it until now."

"What makes you think I approve now?"

"Because we've overcome a few barriers today that were keeping us from being totally honest with each other. Now you're looking at me with pride rather than resentment."

"Well I'd rather have you making decisions than most of the clowns we elect!"

"Sadly they still make the decisions. We just stop the really bad ones."

They had reached the end of the corridor and Tommy put his hand on her back and guided her through a small oak door. A narrow spiral staircase, lit only by a dull yellow bulb, disappeared into the darkness. "Up there?"

"Yes, the lights are on motion sensors." Tommy chuckled at the way Barbara muttered ill-disguised obscenities as she started to climb.

Barbara puffed her way up the stone steps that were scalloped in the centre by years of climbing feet. She opened a door and was buffeted by the wind. She stepped cautiously out onto a lead lined roof. "Where are we?"

Tommy took her hand. "This way."

They moved over narrow duckboards to a flat area behind crenelated stonework. Bright lights flashed up from below. Barbara peered over the edge at the Thames. She looked to her left and saw hundreds of people along the banks and on Westminster Bridge moving into position for the midnight fireworks. "Can we stay?" she asked excitedly.

"Of course. We have one of the best seats in the house, if you pardon the pun. And there should be a cooler box here with some food and beer. Ah here it is."

"Thank you Tommy!"

He gave her a quick kiss. "My pleasure."

They sat by the wall and ate the hot curry. Tommy used a torch that was on top of the box to provide enough light but it was a messy affair with plenty of laughter as they wiped food off each other's faces. Tommy dipped the last of the roti in the sauce and fed it to her. She was enjoying their meal and seeing her happy made his heart soar.

They stood looking over the wall at the crowds and the preparations on the river as they drank their second beers. Tommy craved contact with her so put his arm around her shoulder. She leant into him and they stood silently enjoying the connection.

When Big Ben struck eleven the roof reverberated. Barbara thought it was funny that Tommy jumped so much he almost dropped his beer over the edge.

"Let's sit for a while," he suggested. They sat with their backs to the wall and finished their beer. Barbara had gone strangely quiet. "Anything wrong?"

"No, tonight's perfect. I wish life was like this more often."

"So do I Barbara." He put his arm around he and pulled her closer. "It can be, if we let it."

"It feels like I'm on the downhill run, as if everything good was once ahead of me and now it's all behind me."

"If you think like that it will be. I know it's hard but you have to think positively. You can beat this."

"How do know that? How can you be so goodamned sure?"

"I know you Barbara." Tommy put his arm around her and kissed her forehead, somewhat patronisingly she thought.

"You think you do."

Tommy laughed. "Yes, but I do. I understand how you have been feeling and I know you will feel better. It takes time but where there's love there's hope. You showed me that often enough."

Tommy's kiss was urgent yet gentle and loving. Barbara was unsure how to respond. She briefly kissed him back with equal passion but as the kiss deepened she pushed him away. "Don't. I know what you're doing and yes, tonight it'd make me feel better, but you don't understand...I...my...it'll kill me when you leave."

"Why do you think I would leave?"

"You'll find someone more appropriate."

"Stop it Barbara! I can't argue about that tonight. I want you to enjoy the new year. I want you to see that my friendship with you is the most important relationship in my life and it's not defined by rank or class."

"I know Tommy but I'm frightened."

Tommy hugged her. "Don't be."

"My nightmares. I told you I didn't remember them but I do. It's always a variation on the same thing." Her voice was uneven. She sounded scared. Tommy held her tightly and tenderly stroked her cheek. "Oh Tommy!"

"It's okay. You're safe."

"I dreamt...I lost you."

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere Barbara." Tommy kissed her forehead.

"You were flying me in an old metal fighter plane...and we had to land on a cliff near Howenstowe...then you left me...I was frightened and alone and you just laughed as you went off."

"They're bad dreams, nothing more. I'd never take you up in one of those to start with but I'd certainly never leave you Barbara. I will never leave you. You're what makes my world go round. I realised this week...I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you."

"Neither do I."

"Barbara?"

"Yes?" she answered not looking at him.

Tommy lifted her chin to look in her eyes. "There's something I've wanted to say for a very, very long time."

Barbara frowned and waited. Eventually she prompted him, "yes?"

"I love you."

"I know, I love you too but this...sex will ruin everything."

Tommy laughed softly. "Let me phrase it better. Yes, I do love you as my friend but I am also _in_ love with you."

He did not miss the spark in her eye. "Oh."

"Yes, oh. The penny drops why I might have been kissing you all day. Being in love means I want to kiss you more. In fact a lot more but that can wait. This is not about sexual gratification or using sex to pretend we're not both lonely and lost."

"Isn't it?"

"No. Remember I said when I remarry you'd be the first person I invite?" Barbara nodded. "Because I want you to be my bride."

"Oh." Her shock was as evident in her voice as it was on her face.

"I hadn't intended to mention it yet; not while you are feeling down but I will ask you soon. Don't give me a thousand reasons why not, just ask yourself if you're in love with me."

"That's a silly question."

"Why?"

"Because I've been in love with you for years. Why else would I put up with you?"

Their faces were so close that Tommy could feel the heat rise to her face. "Then let me love you Barbara."

"Up here?" The panic in her voice fighting with embarrassment made him laugh.

"There you go again. Did I mention sex?" He kissed her gently and ran the back of his hand down her face. It was very tempting but he knew he needed to prove himself. "No, not here. I want to make love to you only when you're ready to let go and make love to me too. Somewhere softer and more romantic."

Barbara was not sure such a place existed. What could be more romantic than a open rooftop in the centre of the city with fireworks exploding above you? Barbara pressed her lips against his cheek then buried her face in his neck. His arms locked powerfully around her and his head tucked hers in firmly. For the first time in months the combatant thoughts in her head threw down their arms and she was at peace. "You love me?"

"Yes, like I've never loved anyone before."

They clung to each other until the crowd hushed and they heard the countdown begin. "Ten, nine, eight..."

They scrambled to their feet. "Seven, six, five..." Tommy ensured Barbara was at the front and could see then he shrouded her with his body. "Four, three..."

"I love you Barbara," he whispered in her ear over the last seconds of the year.

"Happy New Year!" they both shouted with the crowd.

The sky lit up with showers of red, white and blue. Being under the fireworks added a thrill Barbara could never have imagined. The Eye came alive with streaks of red and green splaying out from each capsule. Large fiery X formations shot up from barges on the river. Starbursts of gold and purple fired behind them and Barbara spun around to look. The tower below Big Ben turned into an orange waterfall that looked like molten lava running down the side. The noise was almost painful and the smell of cordite filled her nose making her sneeze. Further down the river the sky was full of ribbons and balls of colour creating magical reflections in the water. Huge rainbows sprayed from the barges like a lawn sprinkler. Barbara jumped up and down and laughed and clapped.

Tommy was impressed with the display but he was delighted by Barbara's joy. He wanted her to be happy. As the finale burst of crackers shone and faded above their heads she turned to him. "I love you Tommy." He kissed her with unreserved passion which she returned vigorously. Ten years of feelings took a while to convey.

"Happy New Year Barbara," he whispered when they paused to regain their breath.

"I think it's going to be very happy Tommy, for both of us."

* * *

 **Author's note:** Happy New Year! May 2016 bring you all happiness, good health and sucess.


End file.
